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Farmer John Educates His Farm Animals About The NEW Animal Rights, And Thanks Milk Drinkers For Keeping The Veal Calves Coming

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Animal rights question #1
Dairy cow who's just given birth: Where are you taking my babies? They were just born yesterday! You call this animal rights?

Farmer John explains the NEW animal rights: You didn't really think your milk was for your own babies, did you? Of course you didn't! This is the new Millenium! This is the NEW "animal rights"! Nature designed you with four teats for a reason: your milk is needed by a more deserving species. That's what we call the NEW animal rights. Wait a sec; you thought you were an animal? Silly you! You're not an animal. You're a machine. (And you'll produce 17 tons of milk before you die.) Animal rights don't count for machines.

Animal rights question #2
Newborn baby male calf: Why did you tear me away from my mother? Why are youstuffing me in a crate the size of my body? I can't even turn around! You call this animal rights?

Farmer John explains the NEW animal rights: Hey, it's not my fault you were born male. Blame it on nature! And it's not that I'm opposed to animal rights... Isimply have no use for you on my dairy farm. If you were a "beef quality" animal, you'd get more rights. But you're not. Why the tiny cramped stall? If we let you move around, you'd lose weight. And that would cost us profits. Plus, all those veal lovers who cherish your tender flesh would be disappointed. They're animals too, and we can't forget about their rights! And you? You're not an animal; you're a food product. That's why you're called "veal". Animal rights don't count for food products.

Animal rights question #3
Baby calf: I'm craving iron! I need my mother's milk!

Farmer John explains the NEW animal rights: Please understand, restaurant-goers insist that your flesh be pale and tender; that means we've got to keep you in the dark and deprive you of iron. Your mother's milk has too much iron. Oh, please don't say I'm deliberately raising you to be "anemic"‹that's the harsh word of animal rights extremists. Let's just say "tender". And remember: just because there's iron in your urine, I don't want to catch you licking your urine off the floor boards.

Animal rights question #4
Dairy cow: Oww! What the heck are you shoving into my vagina?! You call this animal rights?

Farmer John explains the NEW animal rights: The thing is, we need your milk. And in order to produce milk, you've got to have babies. But instead of letting a dirty bull on top of you, we've developed a system that's quicker and cleaner. I can't figure why it hasn't scored points with the animal rights groups. No, it's not a "rape rack". That's such a crude word coined by those animal rights extremists. The truth is, it's a state-of-the-art artificial insemination system designed with your best interests at heart. Heck, I'm practically an animal rights advocate!

Animal rights question #5
Why are my breasts so enormous? They're putting a tremendous strain on my back!You call this animal rights?

Farmer John explains the NEW animal rights: Don't worry, it's just the result of Bovine Growth Hormone. The FDA approved it! (Devilish grin). And you can always trust the FDA. These days, they're big on animal rights. What? Yeah, it's true that your breasts have ballooned to three times their natural size, but it's for a worthy cause, don't you agree? Yeah, I know it puts a strain on your back, but life isn't perfect. We humans are addicted to your milk, and we're animals too; don't we have rights? What? You heard that by overgrowing your breasts with hormones, we've made you vulnerable to infection and inflammation? Animal rights activists told you? Well, I say it's mind over matter, so keep a positive attitude!

A Warning To Egg Lovers: Don't Read This Part If You're Easily Offended!

Animal rights question #6
Egg laying hen: If those animal rights people care so much about us animals, whydon't they realize that we get slaughtered too after just one year? And why doesn't our daily torture count as an animal rights issue?

Farmer John explains the NEW animal rights: Those animal rights folks are funny people, all right. (Chuckle.) I guess they figure it's OK to eat your eggsbecause they're not actually killing you. Hehehe. Little do they know, after just a year of pumping out eggs, you'll be a spent hen, slaughtered right along with the broiler hens (Devilish grin.) Even those "free range" chickens are slaughtered when they're no longer productive. But let's keep that to ourselves, OK?

The thing is, those animal rights folks are so darn sensitive, if they know you didn't live in pristine conditions, they'd all become "vegetarians". (Getting flustered.) And that would cost us even more revenue! Besides, if you egg-laying hens lived in pristine conditions, the broiler hens would complain that they weren't getting equal treatment. Equality for all chickens; that's the NEW animal rights.

Hey, look at the bright side. It used to be, your shredded animal flesh would get tossed in soups and pot pies for the exclusive enjoyment of people. But now, thanks to our Jet-Pro grinding machine, we can recycle you into foodfor the other animals. We're actually spreading the wealth among your kind! Just goes to show ya, you animals are winning more rights all the time!

Animal rights question #7
Newborn male chick: Why did you send me sliding down that bumpy shoot, into this huge trash can? And why are you dumping hundreds of other baby chicks on top ofme? Some of them are dismembered! I'm getting crushed! You call this animal rights?

Farmer John explains the NEW animal rights: Hey, it's not my fault you were born male. Blame it on nature! It's not that I'm against animal rights... I simply have no use for you at our egg-laying hatchery. And we certainly can't give up any of our profits; we have stockholders! They're the ones who don't believe in animal rights. (And since your kind has been bred specifically for egg-laying, you wouldn't grow fast enough or large enough to be raised profitably for meat.)

But don't worry, it'll only take a few minutes before you suffocate to death that is, unless you're crushed or decapitated first. Hey, at least I'm not grinding you up alive, like they do at some hatcheries. Those are the real villains of animal rights. Now hunker down and be a big boy! Don't cry!

Animal rights question #8
Baby female chick: Oww! Why did you have to chop my beak off in that guillotinedevice?! You call this animal rights?

Farmer John explains the NEW animal rights: Don't be so sensitive! It's just a little bone and cartilage. Hey, just because we didn't give you anesthesia... Just because a few of your uncooperative sisters starve to death after we de-beak them... that doesn't mean I'm against animal rights. You're still eating, aren't you? I removed your beak because I care about animal rights. If I didn't take this small measure, the irritated chickens, crammed in the cage with you, would peck you to death! (And you might do the same!)

Animal rights question #9
Egg laying hen: Why am I in this cramped wire cage with six hens piled on top ofme? I can't move my wings or legs! The wire wall has rubbed off most of my feathers, and I'm covered with abrasions. You call this animal rights?

Farmer John explains the NEW animal rights: Listen, if we let you all out of your cages, we'd never be able to raise 100,000 hens at a time. (And 300 Million nationally.) Our costs would be much higher. We'd have to charge more for your eggs. And if we weren't competitive, no one would buy your eggs. How would that contribute to animal rights? Everyone makes some sacrifices. And people are animals too. Shouldn't the people who want your eggs have the right to buy them at the best possible price?

Animal rights question #10
Egg-laying hen: I've given you 250 eggs, and I'm depleted! Why are you starvingme now and keeping me in the pitch dark for 18 days? This is excruciating! You call this animal rights?

Farmer John explains the NEW animal rights: Hey, I'm doing you a favor! You hit the end of your production cycle. You're a spent hen. Other farmers would've tossed you in the Jet-Pro by now. That's why I'm starving you; this is an FDA-approved method for shocking your body into another egg-laying cycle. Which means we get to make more money, and you get to stay alive for another few months. Hey, when you think about it like that, I'm practically an animal rights advocate! Seems like that should score points with the animal rights groups too. (Spit tobacco.)

What? You've lost 25% of your body weight. What? Animal rights activists told you that you could die of starvation? Well, a few of your sisters might not make it. But if you're lucky, they'll be the ones who crapped on your head for the last year! (Chuckle.) Hang tough. And give me some credit. I'm helping you live longer here.

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